Anger and the Grieving Process
Anger is but one of many emotional reactions to the painful reality of death. It is important to recognize anger as a natural, human response. If we can allow ourselves to be aggravated, irritated, or even angered by relatively minor life disappointments, we are certainly entitled to feel angry when faced with one of life’s most devastating experiences – the death of a loved one. Anger is not chosen, however, whether to remain angry, to refuse to surrender it or to resolve it, is a choice.
Even though it is a natural, emotional response and is not willed, anger does have some objectives. Initially, anger is PROTEST – an attempt to ward off a reality that is seen as too devasting to one’s own sense of survival. It is an attempt to undo an event that is untimely and unwarranted. This phase of anger is the most acute, the most intense and therefore, perhaps the most frightening. But anger must be expressed or ventilated in order for it to burn out. The reality of death must be acknowledged, it cannot be fought or denied
Anger is a means of RETRIEVAL. It craves a target. It may be directed at the doctor at God, at oneself, or even at the deceased. Anger seeks to locate the author of the death with the hope that somehow that death can be reversed. What eventually must be accepted is not only that the death has occurred but also that it is irreversible, As unfair and untimely as it is, the death cannot be undone.
Anger is a means of CONTROL. Anger erupts when we have lost control. It is an emotional response designed to regain control. It is a defense against accepting one’s own sense of impotence. This helplessness may be the most painful dimension of a beloved’s death. Anger must be vented and burned out before we can get close to completing the grieving process.
Once we can accept anger as a natural, human response, we can focus on its proper or improper expression. Instead of talking about good or bad ways of expressing anger. I prefer to speak of helpful or non-helpful means of expressing anger. The expression of anger leads toward some form of resolution or dissolution of anger, while unbeneficial venting maintains and even deepen the effects of the death.
Beneficial venting of anger includes verbal and non-verbal means. It is important for people to have permission to verbalize their most intense feelings of anger, regardless of where the anger is targeted. Anger at God is as permissible as at any target. If we give thanks to God for good times, it seems only natural that God would bear the brunt of at least some of our anger. Even if the words must be yelled or screamed, the expression is healthy and therapeutic. The only caution may be to be in the company of someone who is understanding and accepting of our needs to verbalize the full intensity of our anger.
Anger can also be expressed non-verbally. Crying itself can be a release of anger, especially the more intense and uncontrollable crying. Crying is a natural means of releasing frustration, helplessness, and pain. Allowing ourselves to do those things which force tears is a good thing to do. Also listening to music, looking at pictures, and doing things that remind you of your loved one. Sometimes these are avoided so that we will not cry, but they are natural means of reinforcing the reality of the death of a loved one. Other non-verbal means of expressing anger include physical exercise. The more physically demanding the better because it forces a deeper physical release of stored-up anger.
It is important to understand that people vary greatly in their experience of anger. Some people are said to have short fuses and erupt with very little provocation. Others are said to have the patience of a saint and are slow to anger. People also vary in their expression of anger; some find it easy while others find it difficult. These differences need to be respected so that people are free to pursue the most fitting expression of anger for themselves.
Anger must be expressed along with other emotional responses for it to be finally put to rest. Anger must be resolved if we are ever to be at peace with the fact of our loved one’s death. Unexpressed anger leads to unresolved anger, which in turn leads to bitterness and sometimes depression. Bitterness is when a person’s entire view of life is tainted and distorted. A bitter person is one who refuses to see the beauty and goodness and joy despite the tragedy of a sudden death.
The goal of grief is to say goodbye to our loved one on all levels, to embrace the contribution our loved one was able to make to life and to practice gratitude for the life that was. To identify and express anger as a natural human response is one of the steps on the way to recovery